Happy Endings are not what they seem…
Happy Endings are not what they seem…
So … if you haven’t read my earlier post "How You Became My Distraction" … yah.
I feel like how Merlin feels whenever he thinks about not opening up to Morgana…
I could hear Swan Queeners lol.
Seriously though, Regina and Emma have some of the best moments on the show.
So, this story begins about a year ago. I started going to your bookstore a few times a week, during my lunch break to read and relax. You see, I have an 8-5 job as an engineer so I spend almost all of that time in front of a computer screen. Some days, I even spend my break time continuing to sit at my desk, watching my screen as it shows me videos on YouTube or NetFlix. It felt sad, it felt claustrophobic, it felt lonely. So one day, I decided to go out for lunch and spend my time away from that horrific computer screen. I started going to different stores to walk around and to kill time, Target, Best Buy, WalMart, but I found that it was actually financially troublesome since I would usually end up buying worthless things. I needed a different less financially burdensome distraction from my computer screen. Then I found your bookstore, and the rest was history.
I actually feel bad about this because I used to be an avid book reader. I used to read all types of fantasy novels and young adult novels, but for some reason, I just stopped. So when I found your bookstore, I promised myself that I would start reading again. I would start reading more. I thought I found my distraction. I thought wrong. Because my distraction turned out to be something else…or should I say someone.
Initially, I didn’t even notice you. I didn’t know you worked there. I mean, when I started coming to your bookstore, I picked out a book (Silmarillion by Tolkien) and would just read. I would come in the doors, go straight to the bookshelf, grab my book, have a seat, then read. This happened in the span of several books (The Eye of The World, The Great Hunt, The Dragon Reborn, Children of Hurin). That last book was wonderful, and I hated it when I finished, because I wanted more. But it turned out to be good that it ended, because if it didn’t, it wouldn’t have given me a chance to wander around your store.
I remember that day when I was looking around, trying to figure out my next book. I was on my phone as well, looking at book lists, book recommendations, and it was then that I saw you. You were pushing one of those book hand trucks and I saw your black hair disappear into an isle. I was intrigued, I wanted to see you up close. So I meandered into your isle, pretending to look around, and I saw you at the end of the isle beginning to stack books in. You must have noticed me get into the isle because you turned towards me and smiled. I looked at you, smiled back, and melted. You were/are beautiful. I was distracted.
If you’ve noticed, the books that I’ve listed are all Science Fiction & Fantasy but I decided to change genres. The biggest reason was that I wanted a lighter read but I think you might have had something to do with it. Because after that, I started reading John Green, Gayle Foreman (If I Stay, Where She Went), and Rainbow Rowell (Eleanor & Park, Attachments), to name a few. These books that I read were all beautiful, and since most of these books had a lot of romantic themes in them, these fueled more of the flame of the distraction of you.
It didn’t take too long for me to start looking forward to my lunch break. Of course, I still haven’t spoken to you, and I still did not know your name. All I knew was your dark hair, and your beautiful smile. Don’t get me wrong, I went to the bookstore because I discovered another love, or should I say rediscovered, because I loved reading again. Again, maybe you might have been a factor in that. I still can’t tell. So I did go to your bookstore because of reading, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t go there to see you.
Things went on pretty much the same for months. I would go to my bookshelf, pick up my book, read, and if you happen to walk by where I was sitting, I would wave and smile hoping to see your smile again. I don’t know why I never initiated. I never even tried to talk to you. I guess it’s because I felt comfortable knowing that you would always be there. Pushing your book hand struck, stacking books, in our bookstore.
Until one day, when I overheard you speaking with your coworker. You only had a week left at the bookstore. I was completely distracted at work that week.
I made myself promise that this last week of yours, I would approach you, say hello, and ask your name.
Monday - I came in at lunch time. I was reading a book at that time (Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher), but I decided to roam around. I saw you. But I got cold feet. My hour break ran out. I had to leave.
Tuesday - I roamed around again. I saw you at the customer service counter. You seemed very busy talking to several customers. I made an excuse that I would approach you when your customers dwindled. When they did, I still let my hour break run out, I had to leave.
Wednesday - This time, I had to make sure to talk to you. I was still nervous, but the thought of possibly not ever seeing your smile again pushed me. I picked up a hard copy book of We Were Liars by E. Lockhart, approached you at the customer service desk and asked you if there was a softcover version of it. (I really didn’t care if it did or did not). It didn’t seem that you were having a good day because I didn’t see your smile. But you were still courteous and helpful. I usually can be charming when I’m in a conversation, but I just let that opportunity slide by. If you remember, it basically went like this:
Me: Hello, do you know if this book has a soft cover version?
(You grab the book and look at it, you looked very cute by the way)
You: Well, this is a newer release so it probably does not. But I’ll check for you anyway.
Me: Okay, thank you.
(You go to the computer and start typing)
Me: (Okay me, say something, say something! Ask her how she is, how her day is going…)
(I don’t say anything)
You: Yah, sorry, but there’s none yet.
(You hand me the book back, I say thank you, and walk away…). I still buy the book anyway.
Thursday: I come in, you weren’t working that day.
Friday: My last chance. I made myself promise that if I did see you that day, I would talk to you. So I planned on roaming the store to find you, but I didn’t need to. Right when I walked in, I saw you already, stacking books in a bookshelf. I thought it was a sign. You were alone, just working, and it was my best chance. So I went to an adjacent book shelf and picked up a book. I wasted time again, and then you left to go to lunch.
I missed my chance.
Now I have to live knowing that for all those months, I let you distract me, and now, I’ve made you a permanent distraction.
I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I know I’m not writing this to try to get to you because I don’t even know your name. But I’m writing this because I want a way to release my frustration. My frustration towards myself. I guess I’m not the only that has had this experience, but it’s interesting that life still has to continue on. You’ll live your life the way it’s supposed to and I’ll live my life on a separate path. It’s just unfortunate that I didn’t even give you and I the option of possibly having a similar path. Of course I’m dreaming here, but isn’t that the point? To create a choice. To give something a chance. I mean, what if I did say hello? What if we hit it off at that bookstore? We could end up exchanging numbers and maybe hanging out. I could’ve asked you on a date and we either may or may not make it past to a second date. But at least there was a chance.
So what am I saying?
It’s my bad. Sometimes I overthink things when I should just be following gut instinct. I know that this will haunt me for some time, just thinking of the “what ifs” and “could haves”, but I deserve this I believe. So I guess this is a lesson that I’ll need to learn from. An experience that I’ll need to grow from. A mistake that I’ll need to correct in the future. So know this, if I ever have another opportunity, I will never squander it.
And for everyone out there, what’s the hurt of saying hello?
Never let a distraction continue. Address it as soon as possible.
Colin Morgan and Emily Browning on set of Legend
Hands off the merchandise. Morgana ‘bout to kill someone
Mergana vs Merthian